Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Stop Playing Nice!

A pastor friend of mine didn't want to confront a mean church member who was wrecking havoc in the church and his ministry. He believed that it was not the Christian thing to do.  He wrongly believed that love for his enemies meant allowing himself to be pushed around.  I tried in vain to explain to him that Jesus didn't play nice with the Pharisees. He was direct,  confrontational, and even called them "white washed tombs" (Matthew 23:27).
 
With some people, you just can't play nice. In my beginning years of ministry, I had an evangelist tell me, "You've got to run over them before they run over you."  That was harsh I thought.  But he had seen me kowtowing to a member who was critical of the evangelist and of me receiving a love offering for him each night. The member said harshly, "One love offering for the week is sufficient.  He's getting too much money with these every night offerings." 
 
Nevertheless, the revival was a soaring success.  We had to extend the meeting to an extra night. The church was packed every night.  Many were saved and professed faith in Christ.  The Sunday after the revival, I baptized about 12 new believers.   
 
Such people like this sour member are stingy, mean-spirited, fault finders, and dream stealers. They are miserable and want you to be as miserable as they are!  My dad used to say, "Misery loves company."

As a pastor, I felt it my God given duty to play nice with malicious, spiteful people in my church.  Yes, there are those kinds of people in the church. Paul dealt with them often. In 1 Corinthians 5:11, he says to not associate with such people. "I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people."   Church bullies fall into at least two categories in this list. They are greedy because they demand their own way instead of Christ's way, and they are slanderers because they are verbally abusive especially in their unreasonable demands.  Confront them. Get rid of them. Stop playing nice.
 
The "not nice" people in church demand their own way and weasel themselves into power positions in the church. Every church has power brokers who run the church. I have been blessed over the years to have godly, kind leaders who wanted the church to grow and go forward. On the other hand, I have had those in my church who were power brokers and resisted every program and ministry I began to try and increase and grow the kingdom of God in faith and in evangelism.
 
I remember a man who I knew to be a negative trouble making bully. The deacons felt he should be on the board because he had never served and was a life long member of that church.  I begged and pleaded for them not to put him on the board and elevate him to a position of power. They did anyway. To make a long story short, he fought me in everything good I tried to do for the Lord and for that church to try and increase and grow the church. This contentious new deacon recruited others and persuaded his group that I needed to be fired. He recruited members who rarely if ever attended church to attend this business meeting to vote me out. He made the motion to fire me.  The discussion that followed was ugly and hateful. Those who I thought supported me turned against me.  But, many spoke out for me and against the motion. The vote was taken.  About 30 percent voted to fire me. About 65 percent voted to retain me. The rest abstained.
 
The fall out from that meeting cleansed the church. Most of the mean-spirited members got madder and left. For a while, attendance was down, but then it took off as my programs, outreach, and ministry were implemented without resistance. The church grew like a wildfire!  It was amazing.
 
You can't play nice with mean people. Paul advised Titus, "As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned" (Titus 3:10)
 
Turning the other cheek doesn't work. I know, I know.  Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39).  But, I think this has to be tempered with other words and actions Jesus said and did.  Jesus taught in Matthew 18:15-17 to assertively confront the mean-spirited sinner. "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector."  I take Jesus' word here to stop playing nice and get rid of them. 
 
Jesus' actions showed that He practiced what he preached with cruel, divisive people. He confronted the malevolent, hypocritical Pharisees. "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also." (Matthew 23:25-26). Calling these trouble makers extortionists isn't exactly turning the other cheek is it?  "Turning the other cheek" must be tempered with Jesus' other words and actions. Jesus didn't play nice with mean-spirited people. Neither should you and I. 
 
Such people do not edify and build up the church in love and service. They tear down. They are fault finders and gossipers. I have found that they are misers too. They oppose missions of any kind especially international missions. I have had churches to vote and send members for short term projects in third world countries. The vote was never unanimous. The miserly "not nice" members always voted against the mission.  Then, they grumbled and complained about the waste of money of sending them saying that we should take care of people in our own community first. The issue was not really about the money because they really didn't want to take care of the needy in the community either.  It was all about controlling the church.
 
I don't play nice with mean-spirited people who have somehow wormed themselves into church membership and positions of power. I don't back down. Jesus didn't. Paul didn't. They asserted and confronted the revilers and hateful people who did their best to block ministry and growth. 
 
It has been said "you choose who you lose." If the pastor and church leadership chooses to placate the mean-spirited bullies, they have chosen to run off the kind hearted people of the church as well as choosing to not reach out to others outside the church. After all, who wants to go to a church where a bullies run the programs and oppose what the purpose and mission of the church given to us by Christ?  
 
The wise, seasoned evangelist who told me over 35 years ago, "You've got to run over them before they run over you,"  bore the scars of a veteran's spiritual warfare. The longer I served as pastor, the more I understood what he meant. It wasn't long before I had a real test. Would I play nice and let it slide or would I play hardball and confront?  I think you know the answer. 
 
It's not easy. I've had gut-wrenching stress and sleepless nights dreading confrontation. It's not my nature nor do I think it is the nature of Christ. But for my own emotional and spiritual health and for the sake of the good and kind members of the church, I had to do it.  Some battles I lost. Many I won. But in every battle, I emerged stronger, wiser, and better. 
 
You can't play nice with bullies. 
 
And, what about those who say mean things and and are cruel toward you at times? The same principles apply. I've even lovingly confronted my supervising principals in secular teaching jobs I've held. I remember a time when my principal embarrassed me in front of a parent. I feared her reaction when I confronted her later in a private meeting.  It took great courage, but I wasn't written up or fired. In fact, she apologized. I think most people are like my principal.  They want to do right by others. Sometimes, all it takes is a confrontation done in love, kindness, and cool headedness. 
 
However, there are those who are mean-spirited 24/7.  I call them people born in the "indicative kickative" mood.   If it's a supervisor and loving gentle confrontation makes your situation worse, you may have to look for another job or position. If she/he is a "friend" or family member, and gentle assertive confrontation goes nowhere, you may have to severe the relationship no matter how painful that may be. It is better to live in peace alone than to constantly be at the butt end of hostility and unjust criticism. 

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...You were called to peace.  And be thankful" (Colossians 3:15).  To possess the peace, sometimes, you have to go into battle and stop playing nice. May God give you the strength, wisdom, and a kind heart to take up the shield of faith to protect you and to fight with the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:10-18).  
 
Click this link for "You Are My Shield" by Hillsong.  Or, click the arrow on the imbedded video. 
 
 





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