How I Lost and Recovered My "I"

Before I understood and accepted who I am as defined by Christ, my identity could be described as a blob. I didn't know who I was.  I thought I knew my identity, but I didn't. It's kind of like traveling on a road with a posted 45 mile per hour speed limit. 

The other day, I was traveling such a road. I knew it was a 45 mile per hour speed limit. For some reason, I looked at my speedometer and saw I was doing 60.  I was listening to a radio talk show and was oblivious to my speed. It was an innocent mistake, but I was violating the law. Fortunately, I didn't get ticketed for speeding.  I slowed to 45 and activated cruise control.   

 

Similarly, I was bee-bopping down the road of life oblivious to who I am as defined by Christ. Thank God, Christ revealed my true identity given to me by Him. I am now on cruise control.

Jesus said that Satan steals, kills, and destroys.  The devil stole my “I.” I didn't even know it like I didn't know I was doing 60 on a 45 mile per hour road. I knew the speed limit but didn't know it. In the same way, I knew who I was but didn't know it. 

Several years ago, I had my identity stolen.  I didn't know that either. I had clicked on a link in an official looking email I thought it was from my bank. The fraudulent message asked me to verify my account.  I clicked on the link and filled out the form.  Several days later, my wife got a phone call saying cash had been pulled out of our account from a place in Chicago. We live in Georgia.  Fortunately, a flag had gone up prompting my bank to call us. The bank’s data showed that we didn’t make purchases or withdrawals in Chicago. My wife told the lady that we had not never been in Chicago.  The bank lady told my wife that our identity had been stolen.  The lady promptly changed our account number and issued us a new one.  Thankfully, we were only liable for $50. 

That's the way the devil stole my “I.” Sadly, most of life passed with someone else using my “I” until Jesus called and revealed that my identity had been stolen. He re-issued my true identity based on how He defines me.

My identity will never be stolen again. I don't click on links from official looking emails from any banking company. I know they are spam and phishing for my identity. Likewise, I know the thieving schemes of the devil to steal my identity.  I won't be fooled again!

How was my identity stolen by the devil?  My identity was not secure.  I was insecure. I lacked self-confidence. I had little self-awareness of who I am. I had doubts about who I am.  I was a prime candidate for the devil to steal my “I.”

I was like a chameleon changing colors to match the environment.  My “I” was stolen because I felt that I had to turn into who I felt others wanted me to be in order to be accepted and please them. Psychologists label this as a people-pleasing personality. Not good or healthy. 

For example, if I perceived that they thought I was a goof, I turned into a clown which caused them to treat me like a goof.  I would crack jokes like a comedian which seemed entertaining to them and made them happy. My purpose was to please them and make them happy at my expense.  

If they thought I had some ability to offer them and advance their career and position, I worked my tail off to prove them right.  I did anything they asked and wanted me to do for them.

I look back to a period in my life 30 years ago.  It's tattooed in my memory. This is one incident out of many I could cite.   

I greatly admired and respected my Director of Missions who had a drive to start new Southern Baptist churches in our Baptist Association. He would say something like, "It's the Lords will to do this or that. I believe He wants you to do it."  To illustrate, a small church lost their pastor.  Jack wanted me to travel 30 miles to preach for and pastor that church. Then I’d travel back to my church to preach on Sunday mornings and do all my pastoral duties for them too. Before long, I was working almost non-stop to do what he said was the Lord's will. Can you say, “workaholic?” After all, I wanted to do the Lord's will. I wanted to be His good servant.  My identity was such a blob that I allowed Jack to interpret for me what the Lord's will was for me.

My “I” merged with his “I.” I became Jack in order to gain his affirmation and acceptance.

Moreover, he heaped praise upon me.  A little praise for me was like saying "Sic 'em" to a dog." I did everything he wanted me to do.  In the process, I neglected my family. But what I didn't know then was that it was more Jack's will than the Lord's will. Do you see how deceptive the devil was in stealing my “I?” A good man was used to rob me of my “I.” That’s the way the devil works. He takes good and perverts it.    

I worked to make Jack look good to the denominational bureaucrats thinking I was working for the Lord. He moved up to a position in our state denominational Baptist office. It didn't take long before he moved up to a position in the national Baptist bureaucracy. I was proud for Jack's advancement and envied him.

During that time, mom and dad came for a visit. I proudly took dad around and showed him the missions I oversaw and the other church I was preaching at. I thought dad would be proud of me. What son doesn't want to make his dad proud?

On the way back to my house, dad asked, "Son, how much are they paying you for all of this extra work?  You're putting a lot of mileage on your car too.  Are they paying you mileage?

Do you hear the air coming out of my balloon that dad popped? I explained to him that I was doing all this for The Lord, and that really, money shouldn't matter in serving the Lord.  I even thought dad was not spiritual enough to understand what serving and sacrificing for the Lord was all about.

My dad was a wise and practical man. I should have listened to his wisdom and got out of those exhausting obligations. But, I thought they couldn't survive without me! And, it stroked my ego to be needed by so many. I felt important.

Sure enough, it wasn't long before I crashed and burned. I lost everything.  My church, my career, and my family. Gone up in smoke.

I was low, really low.  My dad passed away before my smash-up and fortunately didn’t see my wreckage.

I tried to get back on track. A small rural part-time church hired me to be their pastor.  I had to work another job too in order to make ends meet. I needed help. I wanted to go back into full time ministry and into the limelight again. It was painful to go from being a somebody to a nobody in my opinion and to be forgotten by those I had considered significant. I felt like General Halftrack at Camp Swampy. The Pentagon had forgotten him.   

I had a lot of pride, and I thought Jack could help me get it back. He could be the Big Brass to pull me out of Camp Swampy. I felt that we were friends. He was now in the Big Leagues with big time contacts and could help me. I asked my friend for help. I thought that with his recommendation, I could at least get my foot in the door of a high steeple church that would consider me to be their pastor.

But, Jack acted like he didn't know me.  He had bigger fish to fry.  He told me I was fortunate to still be preaching and to be satisfied that I was the pastor of a small, rural part-time church.  Don't get me wrong. They were the best people. Salt of the earth people. They loved me, encouraged me, and accepted me with all my scratches and dents. But I was ambitious and wanted more. My pride wouldn’t let me serve in the rural vastness of Georgia.

Here's the point.  I had morphed into what Jack wanted me to be. I had worked 24/7 and rarely took a day off. I don’t blame Jack. I blame me. Consequently, I lost everything. Then when I needed him most, he turned his back on me.  Such is the life of a chameleon. It's not fun.

I continued on with my half-baked identity. I knew who I was but didn't know who I was. It’s like forgetting I was on a 45 mile per hour road and doing 60!

Finally, the pain, anxiety, and stress from the loss of my “I” was more than I could take.  I almost had a nervous breakdown.  I may have had one! I couldn’t sleep. My stomach was torn up. I had tightness in my chest. I was short-tempered and ill. I went to a therapist and was diagnosed with clinical depression and an undifferentiated, merged ego.

Thank God for pain! It is God's way of telling me something was wrong, bad wrong and needed fixing by His grace and power.

I sought out Pastor Roger Bennett, a pastoral counselor, who had helped my mom through some rough spots. Through his counsel, group meetings, Christian self-help books he gave me along with his friendship, encouragement, understanding, and support, I began to recover. He was and is there for me!

It took several years of meditation, reading, praying, counseling, and reflecting which yielded self-understanding, self-awareness and the restoration of my true identity in Christ that the devil deceptively stole from me.

I have rebuilt my life. The Lord gave me a wonderful, supportive, wife who loves me in spite of all of my quirks and hang-ups. I pastor a wonderful, loving, and supportive congregation who accepts me as I am.

I'm through being a chameleon. I am solid and secure in who I am. I don't morph into what I think others want me to be and do. I am who I am as defined by Christ. Take it or leave it.

I am Christ's and He is mine. He is my all-in-all. I am whole, well, satisfied, confident, at peace, and secure.  I am no longer a "we." I am "me."  

I can therefore love others in a healthy way because I love who I am with the identity Christ gives me.

I am grateful to Christ and to all of those he sent to me to reveal my lostness and recover my "I."  It's a wonderful feeling. I won't leave home without it!

 

Click the link to listen and watch "In Christ Alone" by Adrienne and Geoff Moore or click the arrow on the embedded YouTube video.