Self-loathing or Self-love?

Unresolved guilt makes us do strange, tragic things ourselves.  I know. Been there and done that.

 

Unresolved guilt comes from many sources.  One powerful source is the blame and shame others pound us with leaving us with feelings of inadequacy, failure, and worthlessness.

 

How about this one? "You're crazy! You need to be institutionalized! You're no longer my daughter and don't call me Mom any more!" I'm not making this stuff up. Unfortunately, many allow themselves to be abused this way and do nothing about it.  Why not leave?  Why put up with the shame and blame? 

Feelings evoked from such avalanches of criticism are more powerful than reason. Emotions overpower the mind causing us to act out our feelings of self-loathing.

We filter out the good and listen only to the bad. A negative environment that creates a negative emotional state convinces the mind that "I'm no good."

Self-efforts to resolve powerful shame and guilt feelings result in unhealthy acts to justify guilt and prove "I am not that bad."  For example, I have a friend whose wife left him for another man. His ex-wife berated him constantly piling on criticism, blame, and shame. "It's your fault I left you," she said.  He couldn't filter out the negative. To prove his worth, he dated and dated and dated traveling near and far to go on dates. He had to prove to himself that he wasn't that bad. He did this two or three nights a week after working all day for about six months. He made me tired just from listening. But, he was driven. Finally, his compulsion subsided, and he is OK with himself. His dating life is what I call normal today. He is a good man, a good father, and a good, faithful church-going husband. He's discovering that about himself now that his nagging, critical wife is no longer around.

Another unhealthy act arising the self-loathing caused by guilt and shame is to over compensate in an attempt to make us feel better. I never realized this until a few years ago when I was in therapy. I used to work practically non-stop. I taught school which in itself is a full time job. Then, I coached the school's baseball and softball teams which involved long hours of practice and getting home late after away games. On top of that, I pastored churches during my teaching career. I never took a weekend off. I couldn't do enough. On top of that, I wanted to be the best. I worked hard to make my teams successful, and they were. I worked hard to enlarge my congregations, and they grew.  I worked hard at being a good teacher, and I felt that I was. As a result, I crashed and burned. Little did I know that my workaholism resulted from unresolved guilt to prove my worth, to be accepted and praised, and to be somebody. 

Every time I crashed and burned, I went through a period of self-loathing. All of those condemning words I heard as a child and teen pounded in my head. My failings as an adult reverberated in my mind.  After a period of self-loathing, I brushed myself off and resolved to do more, to do better, and to be successful until I crashed and burned again.  It was a vicious cycle that put me into therapy.

I remember an alcoholic calling me desperate for help. During a drinking binge, her husband left her.  She was in danger of losing her job. I arranged counseling for her and introduced her to a support group. She resolved to do better and whip her addiction. She succeeded for a short time and diagnosed herself as healed.  She quit going to the group meetings. Then, she fell off the wagon again. Her guilt feelings from past abuse as a child and teen plus her failings as an adult was all she could hear. She had to absolve her guilt and self-loathing. Tragically, she resolved her guilt through alcohol. As long as she was drunk, those feelings weren't there. But when sober again, the guilt intensified and her pain returned. She loathed herself for her state of drunken stupor. It is a vicious  unrelenting cycle.

These are just three examples of self-efforts to absolve our guilt and self-loathing. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of ways people use to justify themselves to prove their worth. There are many in the Bible. One that comes immediately to mind is the fatal way Judas Iscariot tried to resolve his guilt.

After betraying Jesus, guilt overwhelmed his emotions. He went to the Temple and threw down the silver coins that he was paid for taking the police to Jesus. That didn't work.  He loathed himself without relief. He ended his misery by hanging himself - the ultimate act caused by unresolved guilt and self-loathing.

We can't overcome our feelings of failure by acts that we think make up for our wrongdoing  whether those failures are real or imagined. We can never DO enough to overcoming our shortcomings and justify ourselves. NEVER!

 

What we are really trying to do is atone for something amiss in our emotions and mind. But, we don't have that kind of power to resolve our brokenness and make ourselves whole.

Are you driven by guilt?  Do you loathe, hate, and despise yourself?  Sometimes? A lot?  Always?

 

There is a better way to live. It is the way of self-love.

Understand that I am not referring to the selfish self-absorbed, self-love condemned in the Bible (2 Timothy 3:2). I am talking about a healthy, God-given, grace filled self-love that comes from Christ's act of propitiation which frees us from self-punishment caused by unresolved guilt and self-loathing.

First, where do these false accusations come from?  What are their origins. The Bible teaches they come from the Accuser or Satan who accuses us believers day and night!(Revelation 12:10-12).

How then do we overcome the Accuser to live in self-acceptance and self-love?  We overcome through the propitiation of Christ that occurred through his death on the cross. " In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins (1 John 4:11).  

Propitiation means to satisfy wrath and replace wrath with favor. In regards to us believers, it means that God's wrath was poured out on the suffering, crucifixion, and death of Christ instead of upon us. As a result of God's wrath being satisfied through the death of His Son, he now favors us, His children. Yes, we are favored sons and daughters!  

 

This is grace!  More than we deserve. More than we can imagine. 

 

This is love. God's love for us demonstrated in that while we yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). 

 

Since the Lord favors you and me, we can favor ourselves. This is healthy, God-given, and grace filled self love. I don't have to beat myself up anymore trying to absolve my guilt. I don't loathe or despise myself even when I fail. I don't have to try harder to gain acceptance and approval when unjustly or justly criticized for performance failures. 

 

Yea, it brothers me when I fail. Yea, it bothers me when my performance doesn't measure up to my standards or the standards of my superiors. Yea, it bothers me when I am criticized and condemned. \

 

But I refuse to allow this to invade my sanctuary. My inner sanctuary is fenced in by God's grace and love. I make mistakes, but that doesn't make me a mistake. Grace and love protect me from feeling inferior, bad, or condemned by my mistakes.  I'm not a mistake! 

 

I can't allow my shortcomings and failings to affect my self-worth given to me by God through Christ's act of propitiation.  No matter what others think of me, I know He favors me even if no one else does. 

 

Yes, it's nice to have the esteem of others.

 

It's nice to be affirmed for a job well done.

 

It's nice to be accepted.   

 

But the greatest love of all comes from God through Christ's act of propitiation on the cross. He alone makes me feel loved, accepted, affirmed, and pleasing.

 

And therefore, I am able to love myself because I have fallen in love with Christ living in me! Loving myself is actually loving Christ who lives in me, is transforming me into the image of Christ, and creating in me godly characteristics like joy, peace, gentleness, patience, and love.   

 

I like who He turned me into.  I like me a lot.  Yea, I love me. It's nice to be in love with myself instead of loathing and condemning myself.  It's nice, real nice. 

 

Finish your devotion by listening to "Your Name Brings Healing to Me" by Planetshakers. Click here.

 

Or click the arrow on the video.