Who am I? I am free from guilt and shame.

Who am I?  I am free from guilt and shame!

 

False guilt and the resulting feeling of shame weighed me down for most of my life. It's like chains shackled my mind, emotions, and soul. It's bondage trapped me in the dungeon of dark depression. When the darkness hid the light, I felt depressed and worthless. I felt I couldn't do anything right no matter how hard I tried to do what others expected me to do and what I expected of myself. When those times came, I felt like a failure and hid in a cave. I didn't want to be exposed for  anyone to see what a failure I was. It was a painful way to live. 

 

In my early 30's, I enjoyed running when I pastored a church in Florida.  I mostly ran at night. No, it wasn't to escape the Florida heat.  It was because of a sense of shame that clouded my identity.  I didn't want to risk the ridicule of anyone in the church laughing or making fun of me for running.  Crazy, isn't it.  But, that's the way I was.  It was a painful way to live. 

 

Living in guilt and shame is bondage. 

 

Guilt is a feeling that everyone is familiar with. It can be described as "a bothered conscience."  I felt guilty for what I did or didn't do. Failure to perform up to my unreasonable expectations or the expectations of others disturbed my "I" and kept me from being at peace with myself, others, and God. It was like a splinter in my hand that became infected and festered into a painful sore. I had a sense of obligation to always do the right thing and be good. I wanted to look good to my peers, supervisors, and to those who I related to.  I wanted to be good.  I guess pleasing people became an idol to me.  I worshipped at the altar of approval.  I desperately needed everyone's approval and affirmation and sacrificed myself on that altar.  

 

I could give numerous examples from my life and others whom I know. Here is one that happened recently with one of my students. This young man is a perfectionist. When he doesn't measure up to his standards, he feels guilt and shame and acts out. The other day, I gave an unannounced quiz over a homework assignment. He always does his homework and makes A's on such quizzes. For some reason, he couldn't recall some of the answers. He tore his paper into two pieces and hung his head. I went over and put my hand on his shoulder and told him, "Its ok. I'll put the pieces together and grade it.  I know you did the best you could. Don't worry about it."  His frustration so reminded me of my sufferings from unrealistic expectations that I put on myself. I hurt for him and know he has a lot of emotional work to do down the road to quit condemning himself for what he perceives as failure to measure up to his impossible standards. I didn't resolve my issues until just a few years ago.  I hope it doesn't take him as long as it did me!

 

Fortunately, God is a jealous God and burned this idol - this sense of obligation to always do the right thing. Failure was not an option for me. It is now.

 

Thank God, He burned my idol and turned it into ashes like fire sent from heaven. It was painful to watch it burn, and I went through great emotional pain from the fire.

 

There was nothing left but ashes. But out of the ashes, God through Christ revealed my folly and how He had justified me through the cross.

 

I knew about justification. After all, I had been to seminary and studied all of the weighty theological terms and doctrines. But knowing it academically and knowing it experientially are as different as knowing chocolate tastes good and eating chocolate. 

As a result of my guilt feelings (which I discovered was false guilt), I felt shame. Shame follows guilt like winter's deadness follows autumn. 

 

Shame caused me to try and mend the damage. I tried to justify myself by trying harder, doing more, and trying to make it up by apologizing all over myself. I even apologized for things that were simply the fault of my humanness. I felt shame for simply being who I am. Not good.

 

I found shame to be a much stronger and more profound emotion than guilt. I felt disappointment about something inside of me, inside of my "I," my basic nature.

 

My shame and false guilt had intensive implications for perceptions of myself and my behavior toward other people, particularly in situations of conflict.

 

Shame from false guilt caused me to feel unworthy and avoid others. When I did something wrong or something that I felt didn't meet my standards or the standards of others, I wanted to withdraw and hide. That's depression. There were times I dreaded going to work because I felt I couldn't face others. 

 

In conflicts or arguments, shame also caused me to be unnecessarily defensive, aggressive, confrontational, and retaliatory. That only exacerbated the conflict rather than alleviating it. It was like pouring gas on the blaze. 

Shame also caused me to react with other types of aberrant behavior. 

I would sometimes attack or strike out at other people. In an attempt to feel better about myself and justify myself to rid myself of the false guilt and shame that followed my guilt feelings. What I was doing was lifting myself up by bringing others down. This behavior not only continued the relational conflict, but it escalated into a shouting match with hurt feelings and resentment for everyone involved. That was prideful, and pride goes before a fall. I fell off the cliff. 

Another way I strayed from Christ-like behavior was to seek power and control over  situations and over others. This was an effort, I discovered, to prevent  the possibility of future shame. By seeking power and position, I felt valuable, important, affirmed, and significant. I tried to make myself MVP. This was not a good way to feel self-worth either. 

I wanted to be perfect in everything I did just like my student.  That way, I could never be shamed. No one could find fault in me.

I loved getting a pat on the back for doing a good job whether it was patting myself on the back or from someone else. But there is just one problem. I struck out more times than I hit home runs. Not good.

Oh, and this was a good one I tried to defend my explosions by blaming others. "It was their fault I lost my temper. It was their fault for not appreciating the good work I was doing. How dare you criticize me!  Don't you know I'm perfect!"  I didn't take responsibility for my temper tantrums. I blamed my wife for "making" me mad."  That committee set me off. It's their fault. I tried to pass my shame and guilt to others by shaming them and making them feel guilty. Not good!  It's craziness. Shame just piled up like a mountain of garbage. Every irrational reaction piled on more shame. 

I think my worst behavior of all to compensate for my feelings of shame and unworthiness was trying to be exceptionally nice to every one. This is otherwise known as people-pleasing. If people I valued as significant liked me, I felt no guilt or shame. Ha!  Not everyone is going to like me!  I found this out the hard way especially trying to gain approval of my students by being overly nice to them hoping they would like me and behave properly. "How could they hurt me if they liked me?" I erroneously thought. Nicety is viewed as weakness, and I set myself up to be steamrolled. Not good. 

When all of my attempts failed to assuage my guilt and shame, I withdrew. This essentially numbed my pain like an anesthesia.  But the anesthesia wears off and the bad feelings return.

All of these attempts (people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-justification) to rid myself of guilt and shame only provided temporary relief. The more I implemented them, the worse my pain became. It's like an alcoholic. A few drinks relieves emotional pain, but it's not long before more and more are needed until he/she is totally dependent on the drug in order to face his/her emotional pain. The pain-killer becomes the pain-producer.

Elijah was in such pain that he withdrew into a cave, but the Lord wouldn't leave him there. He brought him out and completely changed him in the process. The Lord wouldn't let me stay in my cave either. He kept bringing me out until the light of justification from the cross lifted my guilt and shame off my back. 

Today, I am free from false guilt and shame. I think I've learned the difference between false guilt and real guilt. Real guilt is a bothered conscience that takes away inner peace because one or more of the 10 commandments is broken. That's real guilt.

False guilt is a conflict riddled conscience that comes from failed standards or rules imposed on myself or from others who judge, condemn and reject me because I don't measure up to my standards or their standards. I've learned to brush that off. I've preached on this and took my hands to brush myself off like I was brushing off lint. Then, I told my congregation, "I'm brushing it off and giving it back to the person trying to load me up with false guilt and shame. Here, take it back. I don't want it!"

And, I learned to accept and experience through faith that I am justified, relieved of my burden of guilt and shame through Jesus' death on the cross. Experiencing justification by faith is better, far better, than knowing the definition of it!

"So there is now no condemnation awaiting me because I belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit—and this power is mine through Christ Jesus—has freed me from the vicious circle of sin and death.  I'm not saved from sin’s grasp by knowing the commandments of God because we can’t and don’t keep them, but God put into effect a different plan to save us. He sent his own Son in a human body like mine—except mine is sinful—and destroyed sin’s control over me by giving himself as a sacrifice for my sins (Romans 8:1-2 Living Bible).

Who am I? I am free from guilt and shame!

Finish this devotional time with the Lord and listen to "Free to Dance" by Hillsong. Click on this link or click on the arrow on the video.