Jesus' Generational Curse and How He Overcame It.

Jesus inherited complex problems from his dysfunctional family background. He broke His generational curse. Because of His victory, I have been able to be victorious over my generational curse too.

First, I will discuss my generational curse and then Jesus' generational curse and the victory he won over it which by faith gives me His victory over my generational curse! 

The generational curse can be described as a low hanging black cloud overshadowing my "I," my essential,self-hood. My emotional dysfunction is inherited from my dysfunctional parents who inherited it from their parents who inherited the curse of Adam. Every generation is under the curse. Every generation must choose to break the curse through the power of Christ who broke free from His generational curse.

Not only did I inherit dysfunction from my parents, but I chose to be dysfunctional and manifest it in my emotions and relationships. I can't blame them. I have to point my finger at myself. I didn't so much blame my parents as I did others just like Adam blamed Eve.

For me, I didn't understand my issues and could not heal until I first understood what they were.

I experienced so much emotional pain which led to bodily pain caused by my emotional pain and stress. My chest constricted. My head ached. My stomach churned. At one time, I was on an anti-depressant just to be able to function.

Unknowingly, I tried to kill the pain through unhealthy means which led to addictions. Then, the pain-killer became the pain producer  I tried to relieve my pain my way which is the only way I knew. It's the way my parents relieved their pain. Dad withdrew. Mom lost her temper. There are so many other ways they coped that I can't list them all. I inherited their ways of coping from them. It didn't work for them, and it didn't work for me. That's part of the generational curse.

There came a time when the pain was too much for me to bear. It drove me to seek help through counseling, group therapy, reading Christian self-help books, Scripture, and time in solitude where I did some serious thinking on who I am.

I came out on the other side healed, whole, and well. The low-lying black cloud lifted, and I saw the brilliant blue sky like those I've seen in Montana. Incredible!  I was free "from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death wrought by my generational curse and my own choices to give expression to the curse I inherited from them and from Adam. 

The power of Christ's victory over His generational curse lived in me through his Holy Spirit. I had not realized that victory until I switched on His overcoming power through faith and acceptance of who I am in Christ.  I found that salvation is more than a decision and a destiny in heaven. It is a process. The New Testament calls this "being sanctified."  

Paul expressed this power of Christ to break my generational curse in Romans 8:1-2. "With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death" (Message Bible).  

Jesus inherited the generational curse too and overcame it. How was He cursed, and how did He overcome it?  

Jesus on earth was the God-man. He inherited his humanity from Mary. He is God through the divine seed planted in Mary's womb. Yet, He inherited His generational curse from both of His earthly parents. Yes, He inherited Joseph's generational curse too even though Joseph was not His father but rather His step-father. 

I have two biological children and a step-daughter, the daughter of my wife, whom I adopted. Believe me, she inherited my generational curse even though I am not her biological father!

The genealogy of Jesus given to us by Matthew as recorded in Matthew 1:1-16, is a Hall of Shame and not a Hall of Fame. Jesus' family tree on Joseph's side is populated with fornicators, murderers, adulteresses, prostitutes, liars, cursed kings, idolaters, and other sinners.

God did not cover up, hide, dismiss, or ignore the dysfunctional family background of His only beloved and begotten Son. It's there standing stark naked for all to see.

Out of shame and guilt, my parents taught me to hide my family's incidents of dysfunction. There were some things that others just didn't need to know about.  How about you?

Not so with God who sees all and knows all about us.  He knows what goes on and went on in our family behind closed doors.

It's not emotional healthy to keep secret the painful things that happen in our familial relationships.  I could not begin my healing process until I opened up about these issues and my own issues with a "safe" person who I could trust.  It was liberating and like a load came off my back.

From the examples in Jesus' genealogy, God showed me how to break the bonds of shame, guilt, and dysfunction in me and my family.

The Messiah's royal lineage begins with David. God did not conceal or hide David's sins and addictions. Instead, he describes his sins in excruciating detail. Look at David's addiction to sex. He committed adultery with Bathsheba even though he had several wives and many concubines who were at his beck and call. But, they were not enough. He wanted one more woman. That's the nature of addictions. He lusted for Bathsheba, a married woman even though he had a harem of women at his command.

He got Bathsheba pregnant out of wedlock.  Then he tried to cover his sin by bringing Uriah her husband, home from the front line of battle. Uriah refused to sleep with her as a tribute to his fellow soldiers who could not sleep with their wives. Then, David got Uriah drunk. That didn't work either. So, he sent Uriah back to the front line with orders to Joab, his commanding officer, to place him in a position of such danger that Uriah would be killed in battle.

In the next generation, the generational curse was passed down to his son, Amnon, who raped Tamar, his half sister.  David did nothing about it.

Then, Tamar's brother and David's son, Absalom murdered Amnon. Absalom revolted against his father and drove him from the throne. Then, Absalom met a violent, shameful death at the hands of Joab and the curse continued from there. It is difficult to believe that David is the patriarch of the family through whom God would bring the King of kings!

God doesn't hide or cover up sin. I tried to cover my sins. My parents tried to cover their sins. But sooner or later, they are going to be manifested publicly. An example from my life are the times I lost my temper in front of others.  I was exposed for who I was.  I couldn't hide it.  All I could do was apologize and promise to myself that it wouldn't happen again.  Yet, I was powerless in my own efforts to change.  The generational curse went deep into my soul.

God revealed my sins, dysfunctions, shame, and addictions to bring self-awareness through their pain for the purpose of  driving me to the cross where Jesus forgives my sins.  His love demonstrated through His shed blood on the cross covers my transgressions and releases me from the torment of shame and guilt.

God deals with me honestly, openly, and truthfully. There is no place for shame, sham, pretense, or secrecy. Confessing that I am responsible for my dysfunction opens the door for the grace, mercy, and love of Christ to work effectively in me bringing healing and wholeness to my emotions and soul.

Not only was David and his descendants from dysfunctional families and had addictions, but all the men in Jesus' genealogy had issues too.

Skipping now to the women listed in the lineage of Jesus, they too had emotional and behavioral baggage too. Take Ruth for example. She was a Moabite. The entire Moabite race was a product of incest. Lot's daughter got him drunk and had sex with him. The son born out of that incestuous affair was Moab, the father of the Moabites.

Then, there is Rahab. She was an immoral whore, idolatrous, and an outcast Gentile woman. Her story is told in Joshua 2.  Rahab was the wife of Salmon and the mother of godly Boaz who was David's great grandfather!

Did Jesus inherit the generational curse from Joseph, his step-father. Yes! The legal right to rule always came through the father's lineage. Jesus was legally Joseph's son just like my adopted daughter is legally my daughter. Jesus was legally in the royal line of David through Joseph. He had every right to rule.

The other genealogy of Jesus is recorded by Luke. Luke gives the human, biological genealogy of Christ through Mary that includes David in that family tree. Mary is not implicitly mentioned by name, but the record in Luke begins with Mary's father, Heli. Mary also has David for an ancestor.

When the genealogies recorded by Matthew and Luke arrive at David, they split with David's sons showing Nathan on Mary's side and Solomon on Joseph's side.  Thus, Jesus got a double dose of the generational curse.  He inherited it from Joseph, his step-father, and Mary, his mother. 

The genealogy of Jesus and the generational curse passed down to Him through dysfunctional families in his genealogy shows the transforming power of God's grace to break the generational curse!  Jesus broke the curse!  He inherited the sin nature but didn't sin!  He was tempted in every way that I am tempted to yield to the sin nature or the flesh as the Apostle Paul called it.

Jesus is a friend of sinners. He understood the generational curse and struggled with it too. However, he chose never to allow its manifestation in his emotions or mind and won the victory over the curse! 

What's amazing about grace is seen in David. David openly confessed his sin and was forgiven. God removed David's shame and guilt even though the consequences of his sin was passed down to succeeding generations just like in my lineage.

Each generation is responsible and each generation must break the curse through the love and forgiveness of God through Christ. 

Rahab, the harlot, became a true convert of the living God and trusted in the God to come who was Christ. 

The dysfunctional family background of Jesus strikes a knock-out blow to the face of the genealogical curse because he overcame the curse through His sinless and perfect life. I am saved by the life of Christ as well as the death of Christ. Through the death of Christ, I die to sin and the curse.  By His resurrection, I am raised a new creature with His resurrection power of the Holy Ghost living in me.  

God in His mercy through Christ does for me what I cannot do in liberating myself from my generational curse. I cannot break out of the binding chains myself.  Only Christ heals me, mends my broken life, removes my guilt,  shame, secrecy, and sham and restores my shattered hope. 

Today, I am free from the curse. My inner voice of shame that called out has been silenced!  The accusing voice that screamed, "I'm not good enough. Something is wrong with me.  I'm unworthy. I can't forgive.  I cannot be forgiven. I can't admit I did that and must cover it.  I'm rejected and not accepted. I am inadequate."

My inner voice of shame has been silenced by the deafening roar of love, acceptance, and forgiveness of Christ demonstrated by His death on the cross. He loved me. He loves me to this day. And, He will love me tomorrow.

That inner voice of shame caused me pain and almost destroyed me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.

Now, I hear the voice that I am esteemed by God. I am His child. I am forgiven. I am a spring of living water. I am treasured and valued. I am accepted. I am a branch growing from His vine. That is what I hear. I choose to hear that voice and not the other voice. I choose life and not death. I choose to be defined by the blessing and not the curse!  I choose to focus on the redeeming power and grace of Almighty God through Christ in my life.  That's how my generational curse is broken.  That's how I am free and the only way I can remain free. 

That redeeming power and grace brought me out to live under the blue skies of peace, joy, and blessedness.

Note:  I am grateful to my friend and counselor, Rev. Roger Bennett, pastor of Overcomers Outreach Center.  His sermon, "Lesson to Be Learned from the Dysfunctional Family Background of Jesus: Breaking the Bonds of Shame" was of great help in my understanding and victory over my generational curse.

To finish this devotional, I invite you to listen and worship the Lord through this powerful song by Darlene Zschech and HillSong, "In Jesus' Name." 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVsRM55_jsE or click the arrow to play it.

 

The Blessing of My Generational Curse

It's funny how God turns bad into good. He took the cross and brought resurrection life. He made the ignominy of the cross the way of atonement, justification, and forgiveness making me whole, complete, and the way to a love relationship with the Father.

That's why Paul could affirm, "We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him. They are the people he called, because that was his plan." (Romans 8:28).

My parents passed down their generational curse (and also their generational blessing) to me. The curse was passed to them through generations all the way back to Adam. I in turn passed the curse on down to my children and they are passing it down to their children, my grandchildren. 

Every generation is under the curse.  The Apostle Paul said that the curse was passed down from Adam to generation after generation to me. "Death has come because of what one man did. In Adam all of us die." 

Through the centuries, the generational curse passed down from Adam has been confirmed. Church leaders at the the second Council of Orange (A.D. 529) declared: "One man [Adam] has transmitted to the whole human race not only the death of the body, which is the punishment of sin, but even sin itself, which is the death of the soul."

Reformer John Calvin (1509-1564) wrote, "Therefore original sin is seen to be a hereditary depravity and corruption of our nature diffused into all parts of the soul."

And in the 21st century, theologian, best selling author, and pastor, John Piper observed: "The problem with the human race is not most deeply that everybody does various kinds of sins—those sins are real, they are huge and they are enough to condemn us. Paul is very concerned about them. But the deepest problem is that behind all our depravity and all our guilt and all our sinning, there is a deep mysterious connection with Adam whose sin became our sin and whose judgment became our judgment."

Thus, every generation is under the curse including me.  Each generation including me must break the generational curse. My children must break the curse passed down to them and my grandchildren must break the curse passed down to them by their ancestors including their parents, and grandparents.

I broke the curse. How did I do it?

It's been a lifelong process of learning and growing in the Lord. It's been a lifelong process of self understanding and self awareness. It's been a lifelong process of leaning new skills to overcome my generational curse.

How did I break it?  First, I learned from Jesus.  He invited me to learn of from him. He is meek and lowly of heart. His yoke is easy. The yoke of the generational curse is hard. Jesus' burden is light. My burden was heavy. Only Jesus could give me rest. I learned to rest in Him which broke my generational curse.

What did I learn from Jesus? I finally learned from who I am.  I finally accepted and experienced my identity in the way Christ defines who I am.  I leaned how He defined me. How He defined my "I."  Once I understood who I am as Jesus defines me, I found rest and release from my generational curse. I can't describe the feeling of freedom that I now have. It's incredible!Liberating!  Jesus said to me, "Ask, and He will answer. Seek, and I will find."  Little by little, the Truth of who I am was revealed to me. Then, I not only had to know how Jesus defined me, but I had to accept by faith who He said I am. It's by faith I am saved.

Secondly, I went through the long, painful process of self-understanding and self-awareness. When I am in physical pain, I seek a doctor.  The emotional pain sent me to a psychologist and to my friend, Pastor Roger Bennett, who is a trained pastoral counselor. Through his insight, books that he gave me to read, and his group sessions which he leads each week, I became self-aware. I learned much about my "I" such as that I am powerless to change and overcome the generational curse by my efforts.  I had to take a moral inventory of who I am, and believe in the power of Christ to change me. I am grateful to Roger and all those who have been used by the Lord in my journey to emotional, mental, and spiritual wholeness.

Third, I had to learn new mental and emotional skills to overcome depression, rage, dependence upon others, and lots of other manifestations of the generational curse that had made me miserable. I leaned not to depend on others for my well-being and happiness. I learned not to be defined by the expectations of others or what they thought of me.  I leaned not to lose or merge my "I" into them.

I learned to stop blaming others saying that it was their fault why I lost my temper. I leaned to take responsibility for my blow ups and broken relationships. It was a long, painful process.

I also learned the purpose of emotional pain. The Lord sent the pain to tell me something was wrong in my psyche just like a He does when I experience physical pain. I learned the purpose of emotional pain is actually a gift from the grace of God to move me to seek Him completely and totally, and to have a healthy love relationship with Him which developed into healthy rather than toxic relationships with others.

I learned how Jesus had His emotional needs met. Jesus came to us as the God-man, and as man, he suffered everything and more that I experience. I learned that Jesus had His emotional needs met through the love of a his Father. Over and over, the Father affirmed Him.  "This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.  The Father loves me.  I speak only what the Father tells me to say."

When the Pharisees called Jesus the devil, He didn't let it shake Him. He didn't retaliate because He was  absolutely secure in His relationship and identity given to a him by the Father. When His disciples argued about who was the greatest in the kingdom of God just prior to His arrest and crucifixion, He didn't let it phase Him. When the crowd tried to define Him as their political, King and deliverer, He refused their definition of Him and to please them by becoming king as they wanted. And, the huge crowd rejected Him when He didn't please them. That didn't phase Him either because He knew whom He was. His identity was secure in His love relationship with and affirmation of the Father.

From the example of Jesus, I finally learned who I am in Christ. How He defines me. How He loves me. This gave me my true identity and gave me confidence and assurance which replace my self-loathing and doubt of my self-worth.

I could write a book about my journey, but this short synopsis will give you an idea of the peace and joy that came to me after bearing a lifetime of the generational curse and the emotional pain I suffered. I hope that my openness and honesty gives you hope. Hope that you can be free from the curse. Hope that you can be free from the chains of sin and addictions. Yes, there is hope, and yes, by the grace of God, by learning from the meek and lowly Jesus, and through the help of good godly counselors and Christian self-help books, I entered the rest and freedom Christ wanted me to have. There is no other way but Jesus' way. "I am the way, the truth, and the life."

By one man, Adam, the generational curse has been passed down to all of us. And by one man, Jesus Christ, we are made alive. 

Christ turned the curse of the cross into a blessing.  Through Christ, He turned my generational curse into a blessing - the blessing of abundant life here and eternal life forever in a love relationship with Him. Hallelujah!

The truth shall make you free! Free indeed! Amen.

Listen to these truths from Darlene Zschech and HillSong.  I am free in Jesus name. (Click this link) or click the arrow on the video.

 

My Generational Curse

I swore that when I grew up that I wouldn't be like my parents. I was not going to have their temper.  I was not going to have mom's people pleasing trait. I was not going to withdraw into a shell like my dad.  But darn it!  I not only look like them (especially my dad and his dad), but I became just like them too.

Now don't get me wrong. They also passed down to me a lot of wonderful blessings. My mom was the spiritual leader and made sure that I was brought up in the fear and wisdom of the Lord.  For that, I am eternally grateful. Mom could be a lot of fun to be with. I remember us laughing until my side hurt. Mom cared for us.  She always had hot breakfasts and fantastic suppers. She was a splendid cook - southern style! She loved being a mother and housewife. She made sure I was involved in healthy activities through our the children's and youth programs at church and the music ministries. I always had clean and ironed clothes to wear. She even ironed my bed sheets! She really cared for me and wanted me to turn out well. She was a great mom.

Dad was a faithful provider. He owned his own business for most of the time I lived at home. He worked long hours. He was a workaholic. I am a workaholic and don't know when to quit and relax some times.  Dad took me fishing and taught me how to play baseball. He was a big kid himself and loved to play with me, my brother, and our friends. Likewise, I enjoyed playing with my children and taught my son how to play baseball.  My son is now teaching his son how to play! This is a generational blessing, no doubt! In fact, I still enjoy being around children and youth. Dad went to church with us. He was a practical joker too. He loved to tease, and I do too. He had a sarcastic wit about him. I do too and have to be careful not to take it too far to the point of hurting someone.

I have fond memories of my mom and dad. I received blessings. There was never an alcoholic beverage in our home. I never heard them utter a cuss word. However, I also got what the Bible calls "the generational curse" too.

I didn't know my dad's grandparents.  His dad died when I was two years old. His mom lived in their hometown of Sumter, South Carolina, which back then was a long way from Carrollton, Georgia.  They said my grandfather was a saint, a deacon at First Baptist Church, Sumter, and a praying man. My grandmother was a faithful member of the Sumter Presbyterian Church and raised my dad and his brothers and sisters in that church. They also said my grandmother could be a real "spitfire" sometimes!  She died when I was 12.  I didn't get to be around her much due to the distance. She died from diabetic complications. Yep, I got diabetes from her.  It's in our genes.  I guess you could call it the "generational" curse.

Mother's mom died when she was 15. I don't think she ever got over it.  My grandmother and great grandmother were charter members of Talmo Baptist Church in Hall County, Georgia. I've heard that my grandmother was a saint.  Mother inherited her Baptist faith from them, and I inherited that faith from mom. My grandfather lived to be an elderly man.  He had a big farm, and a loved visiting him for a week or two in the summer. Although I never saw him lose his temper, my mom said he had one. I think that's where she got hers, and I got mine from mom and her dad. My grandfather was not much of a church going man.

I had passed down to me generational blessings and curses. Faith is one of the many great blessings I inherited from my family that has been handed down through the generations and continues being passed down to the new generations.

That's the way the generational curses and blessings work. Passed down through family after family. 

In regards to the generational curse, my grandparents must have gotten it from their parents and they got it from their parents and so on down the line all the way to Adam I suppose. And I've noticed that my children have some of these cursed traits too. And, their children probably will too.

There are several verses in the a Old Testament that refer to the generational curse like this one in Lamentations. "Our ancestors sinned and are no more, and we bear their punishment" (Lamentations 5:7).

In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul covered all the bases of the generational curse. He wrote, "Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned" (Romans 5:12).  

The generational curse goes all the way back to Adam. Thus, each generation has to break the generational curse. There is no magic cure to break the generational curse and keep it from being passed down to future generations. Each new generation has to break the generational curse - the curse that has been passed down from Adam.  In other words, every  generation from Adam to me to my children and to my grand children are generational cursed. And, every generation must break the curse through the cross of Christ and His righteousness.  He alone makes me righteous and whole. He alone has the power to break my generational curse.  Otherwise, I'm sentenced to continue repeating their bad traits learned from them and passed down by them.

In my observations and study, every family has some sort of dysfunction because there are no perfect families. All relationships seem to me to have at least one negative, unhealthy aspects in them. That make the relationship dysfunctional by definition. They all have at least one struggle or problem. Husband with wife. Wife with husband parent with child. No relationship is perfect. Dysfunction in family relationships is evidence of the generational curse. It's like some families, maybe the majority of families, have more dysfunction, more manifestation of the generational curse, than other families. 

You would think that a family like Billy and Ruth Bell Graham would have no problems.  But recently, their daughter, Ruth, revealed that she her family was dysfunctional and she, like me, believes every family is dysfunctional.  Every family suffers from the generational curse.  Ruth would have killed herself if she could have found a razor blade.  She had run home as soon as Sunday morning services had ended to commit suicide. She had planned this. The pain had become unbearable, and Ruth Graham couldn't take it anymore. She felt ashamed, humiliated and she feared condemnation over her divorce. She felt she had failed herself, her family, her parents -- one of whom happens to be the most well-known evangelist in the world -- and God. But she couldn't find those razor blades. (Read her testimony about her dysfunctional family by clicking on this link).

Read more here: http://www.islandpacket.com/2014/03/07/2988251/ruth-graham-talks-honesty-hope.html#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://www.islandpacket.com/2014/03/07/2988251/ruth-graham-talks-honesty-hope.html#storylink=cpy

Read more here: http://www.islandpacket.com/2014/03/07/2988251/ruth-graham-talks-honesty-hope.html#storylink=cpy

Many of us found that we had several dysfunctional or cursed characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or severely dysfunctional household. Some families have more severe dysfunction than others. 

As a result and speaking for myself and not coming from a dysfunctional family due to alcoholic parents but from parents who had other issues, I have felt isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures and especially dominating women who remind me of my mother. 

To protect myself, I became a people-pleaser like mom and her dad losing my identity in the process. Papa and my mom were always worried about what the neighbors thought of them.  I now know mom was a people-pleaser even though I didn't have a clue what it was all about when I was a child. 

I felt that any personal criticism was a threat to my self-hood and too often would "fly off the handle" when I felt threatened.

This is a major reason why some become alcoholics.  Or they may practice other addictive behaviors like I did. Children raised with an alcoholic parent often become alcoholics themselves.  Or they may acquire other damaging addictions that is evidence of their generational curse.  Adult children of alcoholics sometimes marry an alcoholic abuser like their alcoholic abusive mom or dad thinking they can save their spouse just like they thought they could save their mom or dad. 

Or, they find other compulsive personalities to marry such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick need of self-punishment thinking we are unworthy of a healthy relationship.  It's like we are undeserving and have to punish ourselves over and over. 

Looking back on my life, I lived my life from the standpoint of being a victim like my mom did. In grade school, every time a bully picked on me, she wanted me to transfer to another school because it was always their fault why I was pushed around and humiliated.  As an adult, when I blew up, I blamed the other person and never accepted personal responsibility for my times of rage. It would build up in me until I exploded. Then I played the victim card. I was treated unjustly and was wronged. I learned that from my mom, and God-knows, she must have learned it too.  My generational curse. 

I also had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I remember my dad saying that I shouldn't do anything to "set mom off."  I learned to walk on egg shells and bear mom's guilt and take responsibility for the dysfunction in my family. I remember dad telling me, "things will get better around here when you leave home."  Well, I left home, and it solved nothing between them. As a result of feeling that it was my responsibility to make Mom happy, as an adult, I felt that it was my responsibility to make other people happy too.  Making myself happy was out of the question. My mother meant well when she taught me that joy comes when you put Jesus first, Others second and You last. JOY.  That didn't produce joy but misery. 

I got guilt feelings when I stood up for myself rather than giving in to the expectations and demands others put on me. I didn't stand up for my convictions. For example, if I was in a conversation with a  Democrat, I was a Democrat. If I was in a conversation with a Republican, I became a Republican. It's a terrible way to live and relate to others.  Terrible.

My psychologist labeled this as as a merged or undifferentiated ego. I didn't know who I was and was miserable. I became a reactor rather than an actor letting others take the initiative and following their lead. I was a dependent  personalty, terrified of abandonment, and willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order to be accepted and affirmed.  I couldn't stand the thought of abandonment and did all that I could to keep it from happening.  The more I tried, the less success I had in keeping a healthy relationship. I didn't have a clue either why this occurred. 

I learned to keep my feelings down as a child. For example, I wasn't allowed to express anger and would get a spanking when I did.  I wasn't allowed to disagree or talk back to my parents and would get punished when I did. I learned to keep my feelings buried within me until they exploded and destroyed everything and everyone around me. As a result of this conditioning, I confused love with pity tending to love those I could rescue. Even more self-defeating, I became addicted to excitement preferring constant upset to workable relationships. I had to keep something going all the time.  

These are just a few symptoms of the generational curse that I manifested.

In many ways, I never grew up.  Emotionally, I was stuck back there in childhood. I never learned a "normal" way of thinking, feeling or reacting. 

As long as things went smoothly, I was fine. However, when I experienced conflict, controversy, or crises, I responded with less-than-Christ-like reactions which furthered my embarrassment and humiliation. 

Could my generational curse be broken?  Could I be free of the curse?  I am thankful and glad to say, "Yes!  It can be broken!  Yes, you can be free of the generational curse!  I know.  Today, I am free!

I will share how my generational curse was and is broken, and how today I am free from the curse in my next blog. 

Who Am I? I Am Chosen

Who am I?  I am chosen.

Why is it important to know who I am?  To know my identity? To know I am chosen by Christ and belong to Him?

I have a crying need to be significant. To know that I matter. To know I am a person of worth and have a purpose to get up every morning.  I have dreams and aspirations. I don't want to watch life pass me by from the sidelines.

Because Christ chose me for His team, I get in the game and play the game of life for His glory. I win with Him and for Him. I am a winner because He is a winner. I am more than a conqueror through Him who gave His all for me and gives me the power to win for Him!

I want to feel that I am important and that I count for something.  Christ did that for me by choosing me to be on a his team.

But, I wanted to play on another team.  I wanted to play with the big boys. To become successful like them. To be significant. I wanted to be famous and well-known like them. To plow under the competition like they did.

I heard their success stories. "Be like me," they said.  "You can achieve your dreams. You can play on the winning team with us instead of the humble bumble team you are on." They would rattle off all the things I needed to do to be successful and powerful like them. If I followed their advice, I could win trophies and proudly display them like they did.

I practically drove myself crazy implementing all of their formulas for success. But, it was to no avail. I didn't make their cut list. Didn't make their team. I failed and branded myself a failure because I didn't measure up.  No one took notice!  No one I considered important chose me for their team in spite of my best efforts to impress them with my performance. It was rejection after rejection from them.  Or, that's the way it appeared to me.

As a result, I doubted myself and my abilities. So, I tried harder. I worked more.  It was no use.  Depression became my constant companion.  I lived in darkness.

My obsession to be significant was really a cry for attention, security and, ultimately, the need for spiritual healing. I needed my heavenly Father to show me that I matter to Him. That I am significant to Him. He had to reveal to me that the accolades, affirmation, and honors from people I considered significant and successful really didn't matter at all. He chose me for His team. He wouldn't allow me to play for any other. No wonder I was miserable. He is jealous over His chosen team. He doesn't trade away one of His team members.  He makes a person who wants to play with the big boy team miserable.  Trust me. I know. 

I think my relentless drive to be the star quarterback for the big boy team was rooted in my childhood. I didn't receive much affirmation growing up.  My parents were good people and did the best they could. I'm guessing they had passed down to them what they passed on to me. The Bible calls this the "generational curse."  

I remember my dad telling me, "You're not going to amount to a hill of beans."  

My mom called me "Impudent, rebellious, and sassy!"  

My high school principal told me, "You're never going to make it in college!  You need another year of high school."

Looking back, it seems I went through a large portion of my life trying to prove everyone wrong and that their opinions of me were wrong.  To prove them wrong, I was driven to be somebody important.  To be well known. Even famous! 

 

That's not a good way to live. I wouldn't recommend it for anybody. 

I was driven to be validated. I wanted everything that I did to be perfect so as to receive the "Good Job" award. I wanted not only to be on their team, but I coveted their Most Valuable Player award. I was obsessed with my work.  My desire was to please them. To perform up to their expectations.

I went off the cliff if I received an evaluation other than perfect.  I was jealous of peers who received the MVP award.  I had a lot of resentment and felt I was treated unfairly and unappreciated. 

The broken and missing parts in me needed to be restored. I longed for the affirmation and validation I missed growing up.

With a lot of help, counsel, and meditating on who I am, I began to realize that when parents don’t tell their children that they love them, they will look for other relationships and experiences to speak to  their aching hearts. The significance-shaped vacuum seeks the comfort of the world’s applause. That was me. 

The dark side of all this need for significance was my self-induced anxiety and desperation? I suffered when things didn't turn out the way I expected. I was fixated furiously on “my plans and goals and drove myself and the ones closest to me crazy. I wanted to see results right away. I wanted instant gratification and wanted everyone to love me for my superior performance. I wanted to be a winner. After all, no one loves a loser!