Who am I? I am free from guilt and shame!
False guilt and the resulting feeling of shame weighed me down for most of my life. It's like chains shackled my mind, emotions, and soul. It's bondage trapped me in the dungeon of dark depression. When the darkness hid the light, I felt depressed and worthless. I felt I couldn't do anything right no matter how hard I tried to do what others expected me to do and what I expected of myself. When those times came, I felt like a failure and hid in a cave. I didn't want to be exposed for anyone to see what a failure I was. It was a painful way to live.
In my early 30's, I enjoyed running when I pastored a church in Florida. I mostly ran at night. No, it wasn't to escape the Florida heat. It was because of a sense of shame that clouded my identity. I didn't want to risk the ridicule of anyone in the church laughing or making fun of me for running. Crazy, isn't it. But, that's the way I was. It was a painful way to live.
Living in guilt and shame is bondage.
Guilt is a feeling that everyone is familiar with. It can be described as "a bothered conscience." I felt guilty for what I did or didn't do. Failure to perform up to my unreasonable expectations or the expectations of others disturbed my "I" and kept me from being at peace with myself, others, and God. It was like a splinter in my hand that became infected and festered into a painful sore. I had a sense of obligation to always do the right thing and be good. I wanted to look good to my peers, supervisors, and to those who I related to. I wanted to be good. I guess pleasing people became an idol to me. I worshipped at the altar of approval. I desperately needed everyone's approval and affirmation and sacrificed myself on that altar.
