Loneliness or Solitude

One of my favorite songs is "One Is the Loneliest Number" by Three Dog Night. It was released in 1969 and climbed to number 4 on the charts.

 

Lonely and alone is not a pleasant place.  God created us to be relational.  "It is not good for man to live alone" (Genesis 2:18).

 

It's no fun eating alone at a restaurant.  A night at the movie is better shared with a friend or a spouse. Sitting in a church pew all alone leaves an empty, incomplete feeling. One is the loneliest number.

 

Throw in our built-in God given need for companionship with the unhealthy addiction of co-dependency and a feeling of desperation can drive the lonesome heart into depression. The co-dependent will be and do anything to have a companion. Irrational thoughts take control because of the false sense that I am nobody until somebody loves me.

 

Loneliness plays with the mind.  Thoughts like, "There must be something wrong with me.  Why can't I keep a relationship?  A friendship?  It has to be me!" Thoughts like these play like a bad tune over and over in our mind.  

 

Feelings of worthlessness crowd out the truth.  The truth is that I can be complete within myself.

Taken to the extreme, a lonely person can enact revenge on innocent people who he/she perceives have failed him/her. Elliot Rodger killed 6 people on May 24, 2014, in Santa Barbara, California, because he was lonely. In a video he posted before his murderous rampage, he said, "Tomorrow is the day of retribution. The day in which I will have my revenge against humanity. Against all of you," he says. He goes on to claim that since reaching puberty he has "been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires, all because girls have never been attracted to me. I'm 22-years old and I'm still a virgin. I've never even kissed a girl."

Co-dependency is one of many of mankind's plagues. It is a feeling that I must have somebody whatever it costs me.  And if, I don't have a relationship, I am a misfit, and unfortunately, some like Elliot Rodger act out violently in revenge.  Others can act out and take alcohol or drugs to kill the pain of loneliness.  Co-dependency is a cruel addiction.   

 

Just what is co-dependency? It is being outer-focused rather than being able to healthily detach from people to focus on and take care of  my "I." It is an unhealthy dependency on someone to make us feel complete and happy.  It is a feeling that "I am nothing without you." A co-dependent gives up his/her rights to be defined by God's definition of our identity. (See my blogs on "Who am I?") 

 

A co-dependent forfeits his/her identity and tries to take on the identity of someone else thinking that will enable a relationship. A co-dependent will do anything that the person who he/she is dependent upon wants in order to keep from being lonely.  As a result, our ability to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves with respect vanishes. (For more on co-dependency, click this link.)

 

As a former co-dependent, another truth I've learned is that we cannot make someone like us. We cannot force someone to love us faithfully. We don't have that power. 

 

Relationships ebb and flow. Even long term relationships can decline and fade way even if we don't want that to happen. Rejection can be forced upon us leaving us lonely and confused wondering what happened and thinking that something must be wrong with me! 

 

One is the loneliest number. 

 

The cure for loneliness is not having another person in my life. One can be a complete number. 

 

What is the cure for loneliness? The cure for loneliness is solitude. And, solitude is a choice. It turns a lemon into lemonade.  It makes the bitter sweet. 

 

Solitude is the place of peace and quiet. That's a good place to live. Even it is forced upon us,  it can be accepted as a gift of God. 

 

Jesus often retreated to a place of solitude by choice.

On the other hand, the Apostle Paul had solitude forced upon him as a prisoner held unjustly (2 Timothy 1:15). Friends deserted him. But, he turned loneliness into solitude. In solitude, he reflected on the grace and providence of God through Christ.  In solitude, he gained self-understanding by reflecting on the purpose of his life (2 Timothy 3:10). In solitude, he wrote some of the most powerful and inspired scriptures in the Bible like his letters to the church at Philippi and Timothy. Solitude can be and should be a good place even when it is forced upon us. In solitude, Paul's relationship with Christ deepened (Philippians 3:7-11). Paul found the answer to loneliness in solitude.

 

The Apostle John was unjustly exiled to the lonely desolate, island of Patmos. There, he worshipped the Lord. There, the Lord Jesus revealed Himself and the Book of Revelation came to be. John through the grace of Christ turned loneliness into solitude. 

 

William Penn was forced into loneliness. In 1682, he was confined to his house. In 1688, he was unjustly imprisoned in the Tower of London. But like Paul and many others, he turned loneliness into solitude and recognized his condition as a gift from the Lord. He wrote his thoughts and published, "Some Fruits of Solitude" under house arrest in 1682 which prepared him for his unjust imprisonment in 1688. Loneliness was forced upon Penn.  But by the grace of God, he turned loneliness into solitude.  

 

Here are some of the blessings William Penn discovered in solitude. "Solitude is a school few care to learn in, though nothing instructs us better than solitude. [It] results in serious reflection [with] flashes at lucid intervals.  I blessed God for the retirement given to me, and kiss the gentle hand which led me into it, for if this writing should prove barren to the world, it can never be so to me. I have now had some time that I can call my own; a property I was never so much master of before, in which I have taken a view of myself and the world; and observed how I have hit and missed the mark."


Solitude is a place where my spirit finds rest. It's different than the rest for my body. My body rests when it has reached exhaustion. My spirit rests when I reach satisfaction. My body rests when my eyes are closed to everything in sleep. My spirit rests when I open my eyes on God's image of me.

 

My heart can never find repose until I have found someone like myself .  That someone is not found in another person. No. Instead, that someone I yearn for is someone in my own image.  And who is my image?  Whose reflection do I seek to see in the mirror?  I see God reflected back to me because I am made in the image of God. Only then, when I see the reflection of God in me through Christ living in me are my emotions satisfied. And when they are satisfied, my emotions rest, and my spirit rests. This is the blessing of solitude.

St. Augustine knew this rest from meditating in solitude. He said, "Lord, You arouse us so that praising You may bring us joy, because You have made us and drawn us to Yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

Only by the power and grace of God through faith can loneliness be transformed into solitude. We never are alone. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to comfort us in loneliness (John 14:26). He is our unseen companion who walks with us, talks with us, and listens to us. That's what a comforter is, a friend to walk beside us.  

Reject loneliness and the feeling that you are a nobody unless somebody loves you. Someone greater than somebody loves, accepts, and affirms you. That someone is Christ.  Paul affirmed, "I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). Christ Spirit lives in you and will never abandon you like "friends," a spouse, or significant other does.

 

No one can separate you from the love-relationship Christ has with you either.  No one! (Romans 8:39).

 

Also, understand and learn that you are complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10). You don't need anyone. You have Him. 

Discover yourself in solitude. Find out your true identity. Your real self. 

Discover Christ in solitude. He is Truth, and the Truth will set you free. 

Accept solitude by faith and by faith turn your loneliness into the blessings of solitude. 

There is peace, rest, and quiet in solitude found no where else. Embrace it!

Finish your devotion by listening to "Still" by HillSong.  Click this link or click the arrow on the embedded video.